FFXIII : The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Kansou Tenrin no Yoroi
Summary: Ever wondered what it would feel like to have your very own FFXIII character? Well, now you can, read and find out!


_ *AN1:_

_ Hey all. So.. this fic is basically my attempt to break into the FFXIII circle of fanfictions._

_I hope you guys enjoy it, maybe get a few laughs and overall, just have fun reading this._

_Yes, this is comedy._

_ *AN2:_

_ I'm using a story style you may have seen before. The original idea of the "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" Series belongs to Teresa Green. All the credit goes to her._

_ *AN3_

_ Before I start, I'm going to drop a warning here. There MIGHT be spoilers. So, don't read if you don't wanna risk it. Anyways, enough from me. _

_Presenting..._

* * *

_**LIGHTNING : The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual!**_

_ Congratulations_! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated LIGHTNING. To ensure that you get the best out of your LIGHTNING, please read carefully the following instructions :

* * *

**Basic Information :**

* * *

Name : LIGHTNING (A.K.A. Eclair Farron, Claire Farron, Light)

Date of Manufacture : Unknown

Place of Manufacture : Bodhum, Cocoon

Genetic Type : Human/L'cie

Height : 171cm (5'7")

Weight : Unknown

* * *

**Your LIGHTNING unit will come with the following accessories :**

* * *

One (1) (Standard) Guardian Corps Uniform

One (1) (Gunblade) Blazefire Saber

One (1) Survival Knife

Three (3) Gravity Bombs

*Please note that the Valhallan armor and the Gunblade that comes with it are not included . However, you may obtain them for a small price of 43,000,000 gil on our online catalog.

* * *

**Programming :**

* * *

The LIGHTNING unit is generally cold and uncaring, given that her parents died when she was young. She'll distance herself from you upon her initial start-up but will warm up to you eventually. The LIGHTNING unit comes with the following programs.

**- SOLDIER **: The LIGHTNING has attended the Guardian Corps Bodhum Security Regiment at an early age, so she is highly specialized for this role. Your LIGHTNING unit is a force to be reckoned with.

**- BODYGUARD** : The LIGHTNING unit's SOLDIER mode can be altered for her to keep a lookout for and protect you.

**- L'CIE** : Switching to this program will enable your LIGHTNING unit to cast magic as well as summon an Eidolon. However, we highly dissuade this as doing so will task your LIGHTNING unit with a Focus. Failing to complete this Focus turns your unit into a Cie'th.

**- COMPANION/GIRLFRIEND** : The LIGHTNING as stated above, is cold and uncaring. So switching to this program does not guarantee complete success. (Our scientists believe the odds are around 10% and 0.1% respectively) You may do the following to increase companionship odds :

- By having any of the other five FFXIII party units interact with her.

- Threaten to kill a SERAH FARRON unit if she doesn't. *

*Warning : We do not encourage nor endorse this. The LIGHTNING unit does not take well to threats and you will end up in the hospital should she decide not to comply.

Another warning : If the LIGHTNING unit has not fully accepted you as a companion, it is highly advised that you do not attempt to kiss/hug/go intimate with her. You will be shot.

* * *

**Your LIGHTNING has (3) different settings :**

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**- Cold/Uncaring (Default setting)**

**- Sister**

**- Cie'th (Locked)**

The default setting for your LIGHTNING is set to Cold/Uncaring.

In this setting, the unit will tend to ignore you and go about her own business. She will still protect and look out for you out of responsibility, but that's about it. If you're the type of person that enjoys being ignored by hot women, this is the setting for you!

The **Sister** setting is your LIGHTNING unit's fun mode. Using the latest of technologies, our scientists are able to replace your LIGHTNING unit's image of her sister with your own.

In addition to all the care and love you'll receive from your unit, there're a few amusing things you can do in this setting. For example :

- Draw a little tattoo with a black marker on your arm and watch your LIGHTNING unit freak out. In no time, you'll see her packing her gunblade, ready to challenge the Fal' Cie bastards who decided to brand you. Feel free to tell her the truth if things go too far.

The** Cie'th** setting is only activated when your LIGHTNING unit fails to complete her focus in L'Cie mode.

Not much to say about this mode except

- Your unit is basically reduced to a lump of crystal/flesh.

- She will not listen to your commands

- She WILL try to kill you, so find a place to hide.

* * *

**Relations with other units**

* * *

Your LIGHTNING unit has many relations with other units. As the narrator of this story is too lazy to list them all out, the more important ones will be listed instead.

**SERAH FARRON :** The LIGHTNING unit's sister. The SERAH FARRON unit and LIGHTNING units get along very well. Continued interaction between these two units is encouraged as your unit will warm up to the people around her (you) the more she talks to her more kind and caring sister.

*A word of caution here. If your LIGHTNING unit happens to witness the SERAH FARRON unit die, she will break mentally, most probably turning her into a Cie'th instantly if she was in L'Cie mode.

**SNOW VILLIERS** : The SERAH FARRON unit's boyfriend. This unit is immature in your LIGHTNING unit's eyes and as such your LIGHTNING unit loathes this unit and is even aggressive towards this unit.

Interaction with this unit is still encouraged though, mainly because watching a grown man getting beat up by a woman about half his size is always fun.

**HOPE ESTHEIM** : Your unit initially finds this one to be an annoyance. Over time though, she warms up and looks out for him like an older sister.

* * *

**Cleaning :**

* * *

The LIGHTNING unit is capable of cleaning herself. Do not attempt to clean her without her consent as she will not take lightly to that. If you try to force her to, you might end up with bullets in your head. If in any event she is incapable of cleaning herself, do not machine-wash your unit. Towel-dry only.

* * *

**Energy :**

* * *

Your LIGHTNING unit is a young woman, and therefore needs as much nourishment as possible. You may give her candy treats, but keep in mind not to give her too much lest you make her fat.

* * *

**Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)**

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Q: I left my LIGHTNING unit in L'Cie mode and she just saw a SERAH FARRON unit die! What do I do!?

A: We warned you about this. There's no hope for your unit now, get away from there as fast as possible, lest you want to be pounded to the ground.

Q: I woke up in the morning and find that my LIGHTNING unit is gone! Where'd she go?

A: Worry not, your LIGHTNING unit is probably just went out with her party. Tag along, you'll have fun watching them slay monsters.

Q : NOOOO! My LIGHTNING unit just lost a fight! Is she dead?

A: Once again, worry not. Square Enix will not allow the main heroine of FFXIII to die so easily. See that little button above your head that says "retry"? Yeah, push that to restart the fight.

Q : Can I give my LIGHTNING another name?

A : Actually, "LIGHTNING" is not your unit's real name. However, she does have one and probably will not respond to the new name you try to give her.

* * *

**TROUBLESHOOTING :**

* * *

Problem : Your LIGHTNING unit actually managed to complete her focus in L'Cie mode and now a lump of crystal is taking up space in your living room.

Solution : Technically, that lump of crystal **is **your unit. Just that she can't do anything in that form. However, wait a few hundred years and your LIGHTNING unit will be back, in the exact same state she was in before she was crystalized. :D

With proper care and maintenance, your LIGHTNING unit will lead a long and happy life (she lives til the end of time) so you can pass her down to your children and grandchildren, assuming you have any, and let them in on the fun as well.

* * *

Right.. After actually writing out the fic do I realize that it is almost impossible to poke fun at Lightning. She's just so.. distant. Well, I wrote it so I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time by not uploading this.

Please, do leave me a review and let me know which areas I can improve in. :3

Til next time,

Kansou signing out


End file.
